To whom it may concern,
You make me feel alive. You make my soul have a purpose for living. When your breath flows in me new life starts. When I touch you I feel electricity pulsing through me. The thought of you in my head starts thousands of butterflies jumping and flying around with excitement. When I lay down with you every fiber in my being is attached to you. Your aroma suffocates me with sweet intoxication. Your warmth covers me like a perfect hoody. Your cold jolts me back to life. When near you I feel every inch of you. Everytime you move it makes my heart skip a beat. No you I can't marry you. No you aren't everywhere. No you aren't human. No you don't have a heart. But your soul, oh your soul is the strongest most powerful piece of life I have ever seen or played in. Thank you for being in my life. I love you.
Sincerely,
A passionate Actor
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
Long awaited....
To whom it may concern,
This will be short but the words are ones that I have fought to tell you for a long long time. You I love you. You I hate you. I can't believe after all this time the thought of you still gives me a visceral response in my body. I don't understand why but I am not ignoring it but I am trying to keep you comfortable. I hope you are well. I miss you.
Sincerely,
Will always love you
This will be short but the words are ones that I have fought to tell you for a long long time. You I love you. You I hate you. I can't believe after all this time the thought of you still gives me a visceral response in my body. I don't understand why but I am not ignoring it but I am trying to keep you comfortable. I hope you are well. I miss you.
Sincerely,
Will always love you
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Sorry?
To whom it may concern,
Today I got told about how I make you feel bad in class. I am sorry for making you feel like I would make fun of you. Apparently I have been overly sarcastic and making remarks like that but please just say something to me. I am not a scary person and I will listen to what you have to say. Please though listen to my side of this story. I don't see it I got told that this isn't me this isn't how I act normally and I don't understand that. I have always been a sarcastic ass and said things in that manner but I never mean to hurt with them. If you are a close friend why won't you just tell me you can just say something to me. If you are an acquaintance I am truly sorry we do not know each other well enough but know that all you have to do is say something. The thing that hurts the most I guess is the fact that you told someone that I trust with my whole being and this person agreed. This person said I was kinda making her annoyed but it seemed in her eyes I was hurting her as well in a way. I have been through a lot and maybe possible this is a way of distancing myself from you all, not just the parties mentioned. I don't like good byes and to be honest I don't know how to handle them.....well I refuse to handle them in an adult way. I think they are something in life that happens early, you aren't dying so why in the world should i say we will never see each other again. In the depths of my being that is the problem I just don't want to get close so I pretend to be invested which is sarcastic. In the long run you have kinda fucked with the perception of myself. I thought I was doing good, being me and acting well and not to judgmental and abrasive towards people. I will watch myself too carefully now but please look to yourself as well and ask what mood where you in when you said that. Stressed, tired, or worse. I am truly a good guy and don't mean anything harmful with what I say unless I intend it, and if you fall in that you will know. I guess all I will say is that I will try for myself to be more open about the fear I have with leaving this place and the relationships I have gained but if I am sarcastic, which I know I am, but truly my life is based around love.
Sincerely,
A confused man
Today I got told about how I make you feel bad in class. I am sorry for making you feel like I would make fun of you. Apparently I have been overly sarcastic and making remarks like that but please just say something to me. I am not a scary person and I will listen to what you have to say. Please though listen to my side of this story. I don't see it I got told that this isn't me this isn't how I act normally and I don't understand that. I have always been a sarcastic ass and said things in that manner but I never mean to hurt with them. If you are a close friend why won't you just tell me you can just say something to me. If you are an acquaintance I am truly sorry we do not know each other well enough but know that all you have to do is say something. The thing that hurts the most I guess is the fact that you told someone that I trust with my whole being and this person agreed. This person said I was kinda making her annoyed but it seemed in her eyes I was hurting her as well in a way. I have been through a lot and maybe possible this is a way of distancing myself from you all, not just the parties mentioned. I don't like good byes and to be honest I don't know how to handle them.....well I refuse to handle them in an adult way. I think they are something in life that happens early, you aren't dying so why in the world should i say we will never see each other again. In the depths of my being that is the problem I just don't want to get close so I pretend to be invested which is sarcastic. In the long run you have kinda fucked with the perception of myself. I thought I was doing good, being me and acting well and not to judgmental and abrasive towards people. I will watch myself too carefully now but please look to yourself as well and ask what mood where you in when you said that. Stressed, tired, or worse. I am truly a good guy and don't mean anything harmful with what I say unless I intend it, and if you fall in that you will know. I guess all I will say is that I will try for myself to be more open about the fear I have with leaving this place and the relationships I have gained but if I am sarcastic, which I know I am, but truly my life is based around love.
Sincerely,
A confused man
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Toeing the line.
Dear to who it may concern,
Thank you. Thank you for teaching me how not to be a friend. Thank you for teaching how to stifle every real emotion I have in my body. Thank you for whining about everything. Thank you for your poetry that is so overbearing the world must hear it or you will die. Thank you for being a bitch Thank you for lying to me. Thank you for your lack of interest. Thank you showing me what I never want to become. Thank you for having low self esteem. Thank you for faking the past 3 years. Thank you for faking this year. Thank you for being jealous. Thank you for trying to control me. Thank you for thinking you know me. Thank you for thinking we are friends. Thank you for trying so damn hard. Thank you for acting like a 2 year old when you are far older. Thank you for hating me so. Thank you for thinking that I haven't changed. Thank you for thinking I am something that disgusts even me. Thank you for ignoring me. Thank you for using me. Thank you looking at me like a boy. Thank you for lying about love. Thank you for trying to not hurt my feelings. Thank you for putting yourself on that pedestal. Thank you for being a dumb ass. Thank you for the glances that read "You are stupid, eww." Thank you for holding in your emotions. Thank you for holding back your honesty. Thank you for holding in every impulse towards me. Thank you for "understanding." Thank you sir. Thank you madam. Thank you child. Thank you human. Thank you all.
Sincerely,
A Grateful man
Thank you. Thank you for teaching me how not to be a friend. Thank you for teaching how to stifle every real emotion I have in my body. Thank you for whining about everything. Thank you for your poetry that is so overbearing the world must hear it or you will die. Thank you for being a bitch Thank you for lying to me. Thank you for your lack of interest. Thank you showing me what I never want to become. Thank you for having low self esteem. Thank you for faking the past 3 years. Thank you for faking this year. Thank you for being jealous. Thank you for trying to control me. Thank you for thinking you know me. Thank you for thinking we are friends. Thank you for trying so damn hard. Thank you for acting like a 2 year old when you are far older. Thank you for hating me so. Thank you for thinking that I haven't changed. Thank you for thinking I am something that disgusts even me. Thank you for ignoring me. Thank you for using me. Thank you looking at me like a boy. Thank you for lying about love. Thank you for trying to not hurt my feelings. Thank you for putting yourself on that pedestal. Thank you for being a dumb ass. Thank you for the glances that read "You are stupid, eww." Thank you for holding in your emotions. Thank you for holding back your honesty. Thank you for holding in every impulse towards me. Thank you for "understanding." Thank you sir. Thank you madam. Thank you child. Thank you human. Thank you all.
Sincerely,
A Grateful man
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Life with out sex
So this will mark about 3 months since I have done nothing sexual with a person and ruled it completely out of my life due to some very close friends giving me advice. I haven't really talked about this part of my life on here due to the nature of the topic and also I didn't and still don't want it a huge deal. I feel the bigger I make things the more frustrated I get and the further I grow apart from people. Just letting it be and letting myself live life with out questioning myself is what I have been accomplishing in my life. With this mindset I have just had wave after wave of realizations and growth not only in living but also in acting. Some actors or acting coaches might say that I am stifling my impulses and how is that helping me in growing. It isn't that I am stifling them, because stifling to me means ignoring and not recognizing it exists. I know it exists trust me. The difference is I recognize it exists and I let it run through me but I find what is causing it. Most of the time it is the thing between my legs that causes the sexual urges and not my heart, in my journey I have found that it is less truthful then if a sexual urge came from the heart. With this observations I have been able to grow deeper in relationships I have now and not be to terrified to start new ones and has made me emotionally present in life because instead of wondering when I am gonna get off I am just living. Right now people could be thinking I made a bad choice or I am just making life hard on myself but to that I answer with a smirk. I believe I made the best decision of my life because I look at my best friend now and not only do I feel the same love for her as I had in the past but when I am with her I am with her not off in my la la land or my head or even in my pants. I am with her and her smile and her heart. Now how did closing off sex from my life make my relationships deeper and stronger. It has to do with being with them here and now. It has made me realize what is super important in my life and what I truly care about not just what I put on a front for. My friend for example is the, THE, most important person in my life and I love her more then anyone or anything. I never had this feeling inside before because it was previously all about how sexual could I make jokes or what sex stories could I get from her or what can I do to make life ranchy right now. Life right now however is just about the living and about the love that I have in it. In all I don't know if any of this made sense to you, readers, but having no sex...has made a happy man. A very happy man. A man I am proud to look in the mirror and say that is me.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Together.
So I am in college and I have a plan. I graduate and I move to New York and I become rich and famous. Yea I understand that isn't what it will probably but the moving and the graduating are what the plan is right now. I look back at my life right now and am so proud of the man that I become, the trials I have gone through and how I have come up on top. But at what cost, I ran in to this kid this year, he is 18, and he has this energy and this zeal for life that I truly forgot about the life that I wanted when I was his age.He comes in adn he hass the same dreams that I had and he feels the same depth of emotion that I feel. He's has been told most of his life that he is so emotional like I have always been told and it seems that this kid has come into my life in the form of the result of all the other choices I should have made in life. Not saying he is better and not saying I regret the things that I did. I just don't understand how this other side coin could still be dealing with the same exact shit that I have dealt with in my past. It makes life seem so small and so hopeless not to the point of death but to the point where I feel so alone and it makes me want to have someone constantly tell me the world the anyone that we are together. Romantically, friendship-ally, family, neighborly, mentally, studenly, co-workely. I feel that all the relationships that I have had are just trying to fill this constant need to have people in my life because I just too damn scared to be alone and to not belong to something. Today was just overwhelming because i feel apart of something but I still have this void and can't right now make it specific enough to verbalize or write in words.
I want someone to hold me when I am alone. I want the person that I don't settle for the person I want and constantly become surprised. I want the person to be able to cut me down with honesty but also be able to stroke my ego a bit. I want those arms to be strong but I want them to be gentle. I want them to be used arms but soft. I want that person I can look at and just know that for the rest of my life it will be you and me. The whole fiber of me, my being, my love, my life, my art, my soul shakes with fear and excitement when you walk in the room.
I want someone to hold me when I am alone. I want the person that I don't settle for the person I want and constantly become surprised. I want the person to be able to cut me down with honesty but also be able to stroke my ego a bit. I want those arms to be strong but I want them to be gentle. I want them to be used arms but soft. I want that person I can look at and just know that for the rest of my life it will be you and me. The whole fiber of me, my being, my love, my life, my art, my soul shakes with fear and excitement when you walk in the room.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Pictures of the past
I look at my photo albums and I just don't understand how this change so drastically. Recently, as in as I am writing, i have been looking through photos of my past. It kinda hurts to watch them pass by knowing that that is what they are memories passed by. I will never get them back but I know that I have had them. Truly it hurts cause there is a friend of mine that I truly do care about and I know that I will never get the relationship back that we once had. Or the one I thought we had judging by his reactions to who I am now. I t just hurts knowing that something was very sacred and something was very pure but one choice one decision makes it all go down the tube. It is kinda like acting. When you are a character it is all about choices and what you make and is it the strongest choice. How does one know they are making the "strongest choice" in life until it is out of them and chosen. It is interesting to me the more I delve into the life of being an actor the more my everyday life seems to be filled with reminders of things I have learned. The thing to do is look at them as opportunities not as acting and life are identical. In my head now however is the slideshow of pictures of my friend and me wanting it to be back how it was and not how it is. I need to breathe that in and realize that it is the present right now and not the past. Deal with how it is now and the actions and reactions that are placed in front of me now. This life is something I want to experience finally and not just sit back and be passive about it.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Change
So we all creep around on facebook and other sites to find out what our enemies our friends and our loved ones do. Now that we are on the same page and not judging each other I love finding out things haven't changed. In the sense where I have grown beyond a problem with a person but that person is still in this constant state of unchanging. I think it is intriguing it shows how open people are with themselves as human beings and how flexible people can be with the world around them. I am not here to judge how humanity should be done cause there is no wrong or right way to live but I do support growth and change for the world. People who stay under their rocks or keep running will never find that growth and I don't think they will find true happiness either I think that they will end up settling for what is in front of them because they don't trust the person that is inside themselves.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Sexuality
Sexuality is a complex thing. I don't understand what it means or how to tame beasts inside. Also what does it matter when people judge you about what you like and what you don't. Sometimes I just get so frustrated because I have delt with this question of do I like men do I like women. But last night I realzied that I don't need to choose and that is the issue. The way I have been wired is that there is an answer for everything and not just a question or a preference. Here is the question for you though how can one person explore their sexuality in a place where people believe that I am one way. I am not saying that I have shitty friends all I am saying is that I think I will be judged if I even tried with a girl. 21 years this has been on my mind been on my heart the fact that I can't decide and everyone needs me to so i can start my life. Look at me though I believe I have a pulse and I believe I am breathing so what the fuck am I waiting for. Here I am life so what if I know what I want and who does it matter to. The real me is something that is far to simple for anyone to understand. I love. Something that is so easy Love rules my life. In my life I have had very strong romantic love feelings toward women but I haven't truly had them with a man. In all honesty, gay men, you are easy and for a confused boy (myself or others) it is easy to get wrapped up into the sexual relationship and just decide "hey this feels good this is what I want forever." At the risk of sounding cheesy, where is the love! In life isn't that what everyone is really looking for someone to start a family with spend the rest of their lives with. That feeling of on the verge of tears and joyful screaming, the feeling of tingle and numbness, that feeling of comfort and danger, that feeling when you just know. Purely know that this person is the one the it the heart that connects you to humanity. That was a tad to poetic. In simpler terms........I am just looking for love and sexuality and it's confusing is just causing a huge mix up.
I have thought very hard and truly deep about this question idea for a while and I have made a vow. A vow to not have sex or confuse myself even further with sexuality. I will woo who I want and I will go after what I find beautiful and lovely. My heart will be at the front lines. If it is a man it is a man if it is a women it is a women. What difference should it make?!?!?! If anyone has a problem with this or thinks I am just changing with the weather they can fuck themselves. Cause at least I know I am not closing off my heart but opening it up for what it wants and needs...Love.
http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l6c8y0oifz1qzxhjjo1_500.jpg
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=31193737&id=1181520043
I have thought very hard and truly deep about this question idea for a while and I have made a vow. A vow to not have sex or confuse myself even further with sexuality. I will woo who I want and I will go after what I find beautiful and lovely. My heart will be at the front lines. If it is a man it is a man if it is a women it is a women. What difference should it make?!?!?! If anyone has a problem with this or thinks I am just changing with the weather they can fuck themselves. Cause at least I know I am not closing off my heart but opening it up for what it wants and needs...Love.
http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l6c8y0oifz1qzxhjjo1_500.jpg
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=31193737&id=1181520043
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Rachel
Rachel Stewart is the love of my life, and I just wanted everyone to know. She is smart, beautiful, and practically the funniest person evar!!! We make out behind the curtains at work...shhh. Don't tell her fiance, or her kittens. they'll get jealous.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Random......6
I really have nothing to type that is extravagant or deep. But I have this buddy of mine that is crazy in fact he is insane. Not clinically but just insane. I like him a lot. He works with me at my place of business and he always greets me with a hello or he jumps on me. :-p I want to make up a story about him so here it is.
Once upon a time there was a man by the name of Feve. He lived in a magical land called Teatro del lechón alma. This is no ordinary land, it does not have human beings in it no, everything that lives there is an object that is used by humans. Feve love and hates it there, you see he is the land's only broom. As you could guess being the only broom has it's perks and it's down falls. He love it cause the objects of Teatro del lechón alma gave Feve attention but the attention was not good. They walked all over Feve with little appreciation for the sweeping he did everyday. An ordinary day for Feve included sweeping the walkways of the land, cleaning everything that the objects drop like food or other object, sifting through the piles and piles where the objects "dump" what they have been holding. So, Feve didn't really like working for the objects of Teatro del lechón alma especially when they treated him like dirt. One day Feve decided not to clean and take a much needed rest. When Feve approached the mayor of the land, the lands Specula, to tell him of the decision he made the Specula was furious.
"Why would you even dare to ask the Glorious Specula to have a day off." Specula yelled "You will never ever have a day off from now on you are never to leave the perimeter of the land again. You will be forever guarded by my faithful servants Sideways Baseball cap and Bicycle."
Feve left the palace in chains followed by Baseball cap and Bicycle, whose names he found out were Javid and Damie. Feve was determined to be free of this torturous place once and for all, so he decided to make up a plan to get rid of Javid and Damie.
While doing his daily sweeping Feve discovered that the Baseball cap and Bicycle do not like the Specula and find what he is doing wrong and unjust. So, Javid and Damie decide to help Feve out by faking a kidnapping. To make this happen they enlisted their friends the Milking stool, Kecki and the Lip Stick, Batelyn.
"The plan is simple" Said Javid the Baseball cap under the seclusion of a popcorn poppers kettle drum. "We will create a diversion by picking up the Bieber Record, Denkall, and making him sing his heart out. The Specula will hate his music so much he will be looking out of his palace to the south and that is when we move out the north."
"How in the world are we going to make the Bieber Record sing, everyone knows that the only way to make him sing is to get him turned on." Said Damie the Bicycle.
"We can handle it" Kecki and Batelyn say with a giggle
The day came for the majestic escape from Teatro del lechón alma and everyone was ready the girls lured the Denkall the Bieber record to the south with promises of loving and Damie, Javid, and Feve were ready in the north. The Lip Stick and Milking Stool got in position to but a sex inspiring dance for the Denkall, literally. Now Something about Denkall the Bieber Record is he can not sing unless he is truly aroused by something but he can not hear his own music. He believes he is always making music.
The ladies start their dance of sexual power and magnetism and nothing is happening. The Milking Stool flips over and puts all 3 legs up in the air spread wide and still nothing is happening. The Lip Stick is slowing moving up and down and up and down and the Bieber Record still was not singing.
"What is your problem? Are we not hot enough for you?" Asked the Lip Stick, Batelyn
"Yeah, are you gay or something?" Accused the Milking Stool, Kecki
"What?!?! NO!!! I am not gay!! Can't you hear my beautiful music I am singing!!!! You all are just deaf!!!" Replied Bieber Record, Demakall.
Just than the most attractive man in Teatro del lechón alma passed by, The Golf Trophy. He walked right between the girls and the Bieber Record and then this sound started ringing through the town. It was the clearest loudest sound anyone has ever heard. Once the initial shock wore off the Milking Stool and Lip Stick look in from of them and the Bieber Record is staring at the Golf Trophy with mouth open singing!
"OMG! He is gay!!!!" The Milking Stool and Lip Stick squealed with excitement.
They grab ahold of the Golf Trophy and start dancing with him to stir up the record even more. While the music is playing the Specula appears yelling as loud as he can to stop the noise. When he gets down to where the girls and Trophy and Record are he stops dead in is tracks turned on the the Milking stool and Lip Stick. The girls notice and keep dance for the sake of the plan.
Meanwhile the plan is working perfectly and the guys are already out of the city limits with Feve and un hooking his chains.
"You are free go!" Said the Baseball Cap
"Come with me" Feve asked
"We can't we need to go back and save Kecki and Batelyn" Replied Damie
"But go! Be happy with you life!!!" Javid Yelled as he and the bicycle ran back in to the city.
There Feve stood a new broom in a new land with a new life. Life was good for Feve. He is ready for the new adventures this world can make for him!
Once upon a time there was a man by the name of Feve. He lived in a magical land called Teatro del lechón alma. This is no ordinary land, it does not have human beings in it no, everything that lives there is an object that is used by humans. Feve love and hates it there, you see he is the land's only broom. As you could guess being the only broom has it's perks and it's down falls. He love it cause the objects of Teatro del lechón alma gave Feve attention but the attention was not good. They walked all over Feve with little appreciation for the sweeping he did everyday. An ordinary day for Feve included sweeping the walkways of the land, cleaning everything that the objects drop like food or other object, sifting through the piles and piles where the objects "dump" what they have been holding. So, Feve didn't really like working for the objects of Teatro del lechón alma especially when they treated him like dirt. One day Feve decided not to clean and take a much needed rest. When Feve approached the mayor of the land, the lands Specula, to tell him of the decision he made the Specula was furious.
"Why would you even dare to ask the Glorious Specula to have a day off." Specula yelled "You will never ever have a day off from now on you are never to leave the perimeter of the land again. You will be forever guarded by my faithful servants Sideways Baseball cap and Bicycle."
Feve left the palace in chains followed by Baseball cap and Bicycle, whose names he found out were Javid and Damie. Feve was determined to be free of this torturous place once and for all, so he decided to make up a plan to get rid of Javid and Damie.
While doing his daily sweeping Feve discovered that the Baseball cap and Bicycle do not like the Specula and find what he is doing wrong and unjust. So, Javid and Damie decide to help Feve out by faking a kidnapping. To make this happen they enlisted their friends the Milking stool, Kecki and the Lip Stick, Batelyn.
"The plan is simple" Said Javid the Baseball cap under the seclusion of a popcorn poppers kettle drum. "We will create a diversion by picking up the Bieber Record, Denkall, and making him sing his heart out. The Specula will hate his music so much he will be looking out of his palace to the south and that is when we move out the north."
"How in the world are we going to make the Bieber Record sing, everyone knows that the only way to make him sing is to get him turned on." Said Damie the Bicycle.
"We can handle it" Kecki and Batelyn say with a giggle
The day came for the majestic escape from Teatro del lechón alma and everyone was ready the girls lured the Denkall the Bieber record to the south with promises of loving and Damie, Javid, and Feve were ready in the north. The Lip Stick and Milking Stool got in position to but a sex inspiring dance for the Denkall, literally. Now Something about Denkall the Bieber Record is he can not sing unless he is truly aroused by something but he can not hear his own music. He believes he is always making music.
The ladies start their dance of sexual power and magnetism and nothing is happening. The Milking Stool flips over and puts all 3 legs up in the air spread wide and still nothing is happening. The Lip Stick is slowing moving up and down and up and down and the Bieber Record still was not singing.
"What is your problem? Are we not hot enough for you?" Asked the Lip Stick, Batelyn
"Yeah, are you gay or something?" Accused the Milking Stool, Kecki
"What?!?! NO!!! I am not gay!! Can't you hear my beautiful music I am singing!!!! You all are just deaf!!!" Replied Bieber Record, Demakall.
Just than the most attractive man in Teatro del lechón alma passed by, The Golf Trophy. He walked right between the girls and the Bieber Record and then this sound started ringing through the town. It was the clearest loudest sound anyone has ever heard. Once the initial shock wore off the Milking Stool and Lip Stick look in from of them and the Bieber Record is staring at the Golf Trophy with mouth open singing!
"OMG! He is gay!!!!" The Milking Stool and Lip Stick squealed with excitement.
They grab ahold of the Golf Trophy and start dancing with him to stir up the record even more. While the music is playing the Specula appears yelling as loud as he can to stop the noise. When he gets down to where the girls and Trophy and Record are he stops dead in is tracks turned on the the Milking stool and Lip Stick. The girls notice and keep dance for the sake of the plan.
Meanwhile the plan is working perfectly and the guys are already out of the city limits with Feve and un hooking his chains.
"You are free go!" Said the Baseball Cap
"Come with me" Feve asked
"We can't we need to go back and save Kecki and Batelyn" Replied Damie
"But go! Be happy with you life!!!" Javid Yelled as he and the bicycle ran back in to the city.
There Feve stood a new broom in a new land with a new life. Life was good for Feve. He is ready for the new adventures this world can make for him!
Rasberry Banana.....10
So, I have been thinking about the act of change. What happens to a person when they decide to stop taking the abuse that constantly is around them? What happens to a person when they realize they are stronger than they are? When people wake up and look in the mirror and start loving themselves for themselves and not for who they are with or what they have. When someone stops blaming themselves for the past they have had and realize that blame is useless, a waste of energy. When someone finally accepts who they are and that people can and do love them, truly deeply passionately love them, the power in that acceptance is so powerful. When we stop finding it creepy to be treated like a prince or special and we start saying that I am special and I can be loved. We as human being would become more of a loving race instead of making lies and excuses up for the love we feel and the love we share. But here is a question to ponder, where is the line? Where is the line of I am scared and I don't want this to happen, love from or toward someone. I think it is a fine line because your fear is a very fox like creature. It will constantly play games with you and make you believe things so your heart doesn't get hurt. Think about it though if human's became truly honest, honest in the fact we just stop filling our lives with excuses and masks to hide and say what we truly feel. The other day I had a conversation with a friend of mine. He is dealing with some pretty heavy stuff and kept crying on nights he would get drunk and feel better the next day. This happened probably 4 or 5 times till I got a text saying something about guarding your heart. This word "guarding" gets thrown around more often than love into todays society. It is a word to cover up, to run and hide, to play dead to your emotions. I don't know another word to use but guarding your heart so you close it off to certain things and you don't let others in is just another way to run from yourself. So anyways I got this text about guarding and he wanted to talk about things. We talk for probably hour and a half and the issues we discussed had nothing to do with what he was dealing with it was what he was hiding from. The root of the issue and not just covering it up with people and relationships but the reason for the pain in you. The raw venerable naked truth that you say than you feel so alone and relieved at the same time. This truth which is inside of us all is what needs to be reviled. Your life with be able to live and breath with you with the burden of this pain you keep hidden.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Photographer.....9
Dear To whom it may concern,
How are you? I hope you are well. This letter I hope finds you in good spirits. There is something that I have been wanting to tell you for a long time but I know that you are scared and I don't wanna force things on you, again. So, this letter I believe will get my point across. I feel like I am the photographer and you are the model. A cohabiting relationship with dependent issues. No, I don't blame you and I don't blame myself. This is just how it has happened and it is what it is. The photographer takes pictures of his model and the model becomes the muse for his art work. A creature greater than anyone he has seen, the model is the photographers world. The photographer basically falls in love with the model and wants the world to treat them like the king or queen the photographer sees. Now this is where opinions could be changed, Models know the power they have over the photographer and they play with them in order to get success or attention. It doesn't mean that the model doesn't care for the photographer but it just is a relationship that is in a unhealthy place. Where does this leave the photographer, alone doing their art with this blocked heart becasue the model has taken the place of what they are looking for. The photographer knows that this isn't the love that is what you marry off of but understands it can be. That is why it is so sticky cause the photographer loves the model but has a hard time discerning what is true and what it the artistic passion. When a model just leaves a photographer, I am not talking physically leaving though it does happen, it is the end of the world no matter how dramatic is sounds. The photographer is left standing with out the release of the grasp. Now if the model was understanding to this relationship that happens and understood the photographer is basically in love with the model how does the model exist knowing that they exist to me the muse than they will just crush the photographer. I don't know. The relation between photographer and model will always be present but it won't always have the same passion and want behind it. That is why the cycle of photographer and models exists still. But I will sit here with my camera understanding the emotions I have, or a grasp of understanding, taking pictures of the world around me searching and cleansing myself. Our relationship won't be negated and won't be something that disappears but it will if the communication stops, cuts off so the detachment is such a hard edge that no one can touch with out the pain suffocatingly swarms in. I hope this letter makes your heart know. I hope you continue to grow and be you. This life is to short to constantly be told what is right and wrong so live with what your heart is saying.
Forever and ever your friend,
Photographer
How are you? I hope you are well. This letter I hope finds you in good spirits. There is something that I have been wanting to tell you for a long time but I know that you are scared and I don't wanna force things on you, again. So, this letter I believe will get my point across. I feel like I am the photographer and you are the model. A cohabiting relationship with dependent issues. No, I don't blame you and I don't blame myself. This is just how it has happened and it is what it is. The photographer takes pictures of his model and the model becomes the muse for his art work. A creature greater than anyone he has seen, the model is the photographers world. The photographer basically falls in love with the model and wants the world to treat them like the king or queen the photographer sees. Now this is where opinions could be changed, Models know the power they have over the photographer and they play with them in order to get success or attention. It doesn't mean that the model doesn't care for the photographer but it just is a relationship that is in a unhealthy place. Where does this leave the photographer, alone doing their art with this blocked heart becasue the model has taken the place of what they are looking for. The photographer knows that this isn't the love that is what you marry off of but understands it can be. That is why it is so sticky cause the photographer loves the model but has a hard time discerning what is true and what it the artistic passion. When a model just leaves a photographer, I am not talking physically leaving though it does happen, it is the end of the world no matter how dramatic is sounds. The photographer is left standing with out the release of the grasp. Now if the model was understanding to this relationship that happens and understood the photographer is basically in love with the model how does the model exist knowing that they exist to me the muse than they will just crush the photographer. I don't know. The relation between photographer and model will always be present but it won't always have the same passion and want behind it. That is why the cycle of photographer and models exists still. But I will sit here with my camera understanding the emotions I have, or a grasp of understanding, taking pictures of the world around me searching and cleansing myself. Our relationship won't be negated and won't be something that disappears but it will if the communication stops, cuts off so the detachment is such a hard edge that no one can touch with out the pain suffocatingly swarms in. I hope this letter makes your heart know. I hope you continue to grow and be you. This life is to short to constantly be told what is right and wrong so live with what your heart is saying.
Forever and ever your friend,
Photographer
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Poetry in motion......8
Still haven't Finished my story but I still have things to write.
Here I stand, my beautiful man.
I am keeping myself afloat anyway I can.
The tides rush in and try to trip my feet.
I stand strong waiting for the both of us to meet.
You know I will always be your biggest fan.
Here my life sits now standing at this cliff.
There are two places I can go and both are a rocky rapid ride of the unknown.
Honesty flies next to me and trust is lagging behind.
I don't know where these feelings came from but I know they are strong and honest.
I don't wanna fuck this up which makes me trying even harder.
The fact I see you in my mind when I walk and and in my dreams when I am sleep is making the decision hard to make.
To jump down this waterfall or to watch the cliff.
I want the world for you.
I want you to be treated like the prince you truly are.
Constantly I get told to turn the other cheek, to avoid this but no.
Someone told me if it is worth the work it is worth the life.
You are beautiful. You are amazing. When you take a room you cause the soul of everyone to be on you. The world has been cruel to you and I hope you know that this world will pass. Hold on to that heart of yours. Hold on to that soul. You deserve the best in the universe no less.
This is a random vomit of what is in me. Romantic vomit if you will. This is me folks. I have always been a romantic and I hope you understand that just cause someone says something more poetic than another it doesn't mean it is not honest.
Here I stand, my beautiful man.
I am keeping myself afloat anyway I can.
The tides rush in and try to trip my feet.
I stand strong waiting for the both of us to meet.
You know I will always be your biggest fan.
Here my life sits now standing at this cliff.
There are two places I can go and both are a rocky rapid ride of the unknown.
Honesty flies next to me and trust is lagging behind.
I don't know where these feelings came from but I know they are strong and honest.
I don't wanna fuck this up which makes me trying even harder.
The fact I see you in my mind when I walk and and in my dreams when I am sleep is making the decision hard to make.
To jump down this waterfall or to watch the cliff.
I want the world for you.
I want you to be treated like the prince you truly are.
Constantly I get told to turn the other cheek, to avoid this but no.
Someone told me if it is worth the work it is worth the life.
You are beautiful. You are amazing. When you take a room you cause the soul of everyone to be on you. The world has been cruel to you and I hope you know that this world will pass. Hold on to that heart of yours. Hold on to that soul. You deserve the best in the universe no less.
This is a random vomit of what is in me. Romantic vomit if you will. This is me folks. I have always been a romantic and I hope you understand that just cause someone says something more poetic than another it doesn't mean it is not honest.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
soo....7
I haven't been posting in a while cause I have been busy and I have been working on a story for a friend that will be my 6th entry so this will be confusing for everyone when the 6th gets posted after the 7th. But other than that life is sweet. Show opens tomorrow I am enjoying life and living it daily. I just enjoy summer. I just cannot get enough of the sun and the heat and the time outside. Just mysically amazing. Well I hope you all find what you love today and keep living with your heart!!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Honesty....5
It is nice to know people read this thing. Even if it cause some outrageous acts or some people finally saying what they want to say. Which I love, making people finally say what they want to say. I mean why hide emotions and thoughts inside, you get nothing accomplished. Festering energy is what causes most fights. Why not just say it and be honest and be loving. So I push when I can tell that someone wants to say something and doesn't have the courage to say it.
For me being honest is my buried treasure and my passion. I have always lied since I was a little boy. Lied my way out of things lied my way in to things, to make others happy, to control a situation, to entertain others...etc. I just am a big lier surprise world out there. But the thing is I honor the truth so greatly that I would give my life for it. Lately I have been trying to find the honest in my life I have been forcing my self away from habit to be honest and take it. It is the reason I started this blog actually. It is my way to be more honest with how I feel and cutting the falseness that I create with the people around me. Basically a way to let my honest flow. And lately I have been finding that I have kinda filled my life with people that lie or are dishonest. So this summer I have started weeding out people in my life that are dishonest. At some points it is kinda difficult because some of the people I have found are some people that are close to me. I have this one friend that doesn't say how he feels ever. Which is cool I mean I don't want to make someone go somewhere they don't want to go. But he doesn't tell me when I make him uncomfortable or when I do something that aggravates him. This aggravates me. I mean come on aren't friends the ones you turn to and say hey I got a problem with that. That is another blog. This honesty that I am finding has been making me a happier being. I have been living my life this summer a way that is making my heart becoming more open. I never thought that being more honest in my life would do that to my heart. The honest words I have to say are not always loving and more often than not they are how I feel about annoyance and such. Honesty has broken me free of that man who wanted only to make other comfy in life. Honesty has given me a new zeal for this life I live.
For me being honest is my buried treasure and my passion. I have always lied since I was a little boy. Lied my way out of things lied my way in to things, to make others happy, to control a situation, to entertain others...etc. I just am a big lier surprise world out there. But the thing is I honor the truth so greatly that I would give my life for it. Lately I have been trying to find the honest in my life I have been forcing my self away from habit to be honest and take it. It is the reason I started this blog actually. It is my way to be more honest with how I feel and cutting the falseness that I create with the people around me. Basically a way to let my honest flow. And lately I have been finding that I have kinda filled my life with people that lie or are dishonest. So this summer I have started weeding out people in my life that are dishonest. At some points it is kinda difficult because some of the people I have found are some people that are close to me. I have this one friend that doesn't say how he feels ever. Which is cool I mean I don't want to make someone go somewhere they don't want to go. But he doesn't tell me when I make him uncomfortable or when I do something that aggravates him. This aggravates me. I mean come on aren't friends the ones you turn to and say hey I got a problem with that. That is another blog. This honesty that I am finding has been making me a happier being. I have been living my life this summer a way that is making my heart becoming more open. I never thought that being more honest in my life would do that to my heart. The honest words I have to say are not always loving and more often than not they are how I feel about annoyance and such. Honesty has broken me free of that man who wanted only to make other comfy in life. Honesty has given me a new zeal for this life I live.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Being who you are............4
I haven't written in a while I know but I have said that I am bad at keeping constantly up with this. I have been struggling if I want to make this blog a public thing or if I should just let it be able to be found and it is the luck of search. So Today I am going to put the website out there and see what happens. With that being said readers beware that somethings put in this maybe about you somethings maybe about friends. I write about love I write about what I know and the honesty that I am trying to exude.
Being who you are is something that is forced on all of us. People constantly say people will love you just the way you are. Or just be yourself and they will love you. What does this even mean. How can someone really know who they are and why is it such a huge deal to know. Maybe I just don't get it either. This topic doesn't have anything to do with someone else and all to do with me. I am currently in a time of my life where I am constantly looking. I have realized when I think I have a grasp on who I am I loose it and something comes up that changes it all. Someone told me that you find out who you are when you are presented with a situation and the choice you make says a lot about you, or maybe it was a movie. Either way I like that way of living not putting a label on yourself of who you are and just blindly feeling your way through. The decisions that we make truly do make up who we are. The what we want make up the decisions we make. So, does that mean we are what we want?
Being who you are is something that is forced on all of us. People constantly say people will love you just the way you are. Or just be yourself and they will love you. What does this even mean. How can someone really know who they are and why is it such a huge deal to know. Maybe I just don't get it either. This topic doesn't have anything to do with someone else and all to do with me. I am currently in a time of my life where I am constantly looking. I have realized when I think I have a grasp on who I am I loose it and something comes up that changes it all. Someone told me that you find out who you are when you are presented with a situation and the choice you make says a lot about you, or maybe it was a movie. Either way I like that way of living not putting a label on yourself of who you are and just blindly feeling your way through. The decisions that we make truly do make up who we are. The what we want make up the decisions we make. So, does that mean we are what we want?
Friday, May 21, 2010
Sleep.....3
I truly apologize for the last post maybe not being understandable I was tired after a long night at the bar. My soul was made to party what can I say. :-)
I went out for a friends birthday last night. He is a very attractive man in my eyes but he is a complete douche bag. I can't stand they way he treats women. I don't think he understands that what he does has any effect on the world around him. It is like he is in his bubble and nothing exists outside of it. I can relate to him in a way cause I used to have the thought process of me being the star of a t.v show and it was all about me. I do still have this from time to time. The question that comes up is why stay there, in that world of one. When I get out of that world I am so happy to look around and see everyone. So this guy is so selfish he has a girlfriend or a friend that is calling herself a girlfriend and acting like a girlfriend of his but apparently he hasn't told her otherwise. He thinks that this relationship isn't anything but a fling. The way this man, and I use the term man only because he has a penis and has gone through puberty, acts in public is like a viking ready to rape and pillage a town of women. Now, he is not a rapist but he looks at people at what they can give him and he uses his craft, acting, as an excuse to continue to do this. First off this is appalling that he would do this and second douche bag. that is all I can really say. I have this friend that he is obsessed with making out with and she came up as well with a new look on life and the things she wants and doesn't want. He was trying to get on her all night and she was not having it. The other fact is that he spent 27 hours with a the girl that his "girlfriend" and doesn't that somewhat mean that 'hey I am in a relationship with you and don't wanna leave your side.' I just don't get it. What makes me confused about him is how comfortable with him I am. I can tell him anything and do anything with him I love him. I do. He is a just a guy that I would talk about my dreams and my life with and not feel judged or anything. This type of love that he has taught me is new and confusing. How can someone love someone but hate what they do. I just don't get it. The heart knows what it loves and mine just wants the world to be filled with love.
I went out for a friends birthday last night. He is a very attractive man in my eyes but he is a complete douche bag. I can't stand they way he treats women. I don't think he understands that what he does has any effect on the world around him. It is like he is in his bubble and nothing exists outside of it. I can relate to him in a way cause I used to have the thought process of me being the star of a t.v show and it was all about me. I do still have this from time to time. The question that comes up is why stay there, in that world of one. When I get out of that world I am so happy to look around and see everyone. So this guy is so selfish he has a girlfriend or a friend that is calling herself a girlfriend and acting like a girlfriend of his but apparently he hasn't told her otherwise. He thinks that this relationship isn't anything but a fling. The way this man, and I use the term man only because he has a penis and has gone through puberty, acts in public is like a viking ready to rape and pillage a town of women. Now, he is not a rapist but he looks at people at what they can give him and he uses his craft, acting, as an excuse to continue to do this. First off this is appalling that he would do this and second douche bag. that is all I can really say. I have this friend that he is obsessed with making out with and she came up as well with a new look on life and the things she wants and doesn't want. He was trying to get on her all night and she was not having it. The other fact is that he spent 27 hours with a the girl that his "girlfriend" and doesn't that somewhat mean that 'hey I am in a relationship with you and don't wanna leave your side.' I just don't get it. What makes me confused about him is how comfortable with him I am. I can tell him anything and do anything with him I love him. I do. He is a just a guy that I would talk about my dreams and my life with and not feel judged or anything. This type of love that he has taught me is new and confusing. How can someone love someone but hate what they do. I just don't get it. The heart knows what it loves and mine just wants the world to be filled with love.
Life.....2
So I am very bad at keeping up with this writing everyday. but it is my goal to have 365 stories about people.
So this guy saw him in a bar, he was built rock solid. He was a black god that I crave to see under the tight white shirt he wears. His arms were the size of my head no joke and my body was craving him. All parts of him the things that ran thourgh my head were wrong and yet so so right. A man's body when taken care of is a work of art....it is beautiful and rich with creases and shadow. The thing about this black man that attracted me so was the fact that i know he took care of himself. He liked himself and was proud to be in the skin he has. Some people say that Love is not sex...sex is just that sex, that is wrong. People will never have a sexuall encounter with out love and evidence to this is guilt.
So this guy saw him in a bar, he was built rock solid. He was a black god that I crave to see under the tight white shirt he wears. His arms were the size of my head no joke and my body was craving him. All parts of him the things that ran thourgh my head were wrong and yet so so right. A man's body when taken care of is a work of art....it is beautiful and rich with creases and shadow. The thing about this black man that attracted me so was the fact that i know he took care of himself. He liked himself and was proud to be in the skin he has. Some people say that Love is not sex...sex is just that sex, that is wrong. People will never have a sexuall encounter with out love and evidence to this is guilt.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
The Story of why.... 1
I wanted to start a blog. This blog is for the people of the world to find love. To discuss love to discuss their love for love or their hatred for it. I have many opinions and I have lots of stories, one constant in my life has been love. This is my goal for my life: I want to be more honest and I can start that here, I want to be more in the moment with the world, and I want to be less bitter toward people. Each day I will write of someone. A heart that has touched me. It may be long or it maybe short but the heart and soul is what I see and what I will write.
Today I spoke with this friend of mine. She is one of the most unselfish pepole I know. I see alot of my self in her. The problem is she is annoying i can't stand her the way she feels she has to do things, she has to be helpful but no one would can help her. I don't know what todo I find myself getting angry toward her just to be able to manipulate what comes out of her. Is that love...I mean can it be a friendship love can it be something else I don't know. Later today...as in 2 in the morning I went for a drive. I find nature something that makes a fire burn inside of me and life springs forward. I love life...I love the beauty that is around me. The cool air the bright stars are all I need the laughter of fiends. Now I am falling asleep with a heart that is calmed and open.
To love is to hate, to hate is to love. One in the same but so different.
Today I spoke with this friend of mine. She is one of the most unselfish pepole I know. I see alot of my self in her. The problem is she is annoying i can't stand her the way she feels she has to do things, she has to be helpful but no one would can help her. I don't know what todo I find myself getting angry toward her just to be able to manipulate what comes out of her. Is that love...I mean can it be a friendship love can it be something else I don't know. Later today...as in 2 in the morning I went for a drive. I find nature something that makes a fire burn inside of me and life springs forward. I love life...I love the beauty that is around me. The cool air the bright stars are all I need the laughter of fiends. Now I am falling asleep with a heart that is calmed and open.
To love is to hate, to hate is to love. One in the same but so different.
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