Toeing the line.

Dear to who it may concern,
Thank you. Thank you for teaching me how not to be a friend. Thank you for teaching how to stifle every real emotion I have in my body. Thank you for whining about everything. Thank you for your poetry that is so overbearing the world must hear it or  you will die. Thank you for being a bitch Thank you for lying to me. Thank you for your lack of interest. Thank you showing me what I never want to become. Thank you for having low self esteem. Thank you for faking the past 3 years. Thank you for faking this year. Thank you for being jealous. Thank you for trying to control me. Thank you for thinking you know me. Thank you for thinking we are friends. Thank you for trying so damn hard. Thank you for acting like a 2 year old when you are far older. Thank you for hating me so. Thank you for thinking that I haven't changed. Thank you for thinking I am something that disgusts even me. Thank you for ignoring me. Thank you for using me. Thank you looking at me like a  boy. Thank you for lying about love. Thank you for trying to not hurt my feelings. Thank you for putting yourself on that pedestal. Thank you for being a dumb ass. Thank you for the glances that read "You are stupid, eww." Thank you for holding in your emotions. Thank you for holding back your honesty. Thank you for holding in every impulse towards me. Thank you for "understanding." Thank you sir. Thank you madam. Thank you child. Thank you human. Thank you all.
Sincerely,
A Grateful man

Life with out sex

So this will mark about 3 months since I have done nothing sexual with a person and ruled it completely out of my life due to some very close friends giving me advice. I haven't really talked about this part of my life on here due to the nature of the topic and also I didn't and still don't want it a huge deal. I feel the bigger I make things the more frustrated I get and the further I grow apart from people. Just letting it be and letting myself live life with out questioning myself is what I have been accomplishing in my life. With this mindset I have just had wave after wave of realizations and growth not only in living but also in acting. Some actors or acting coaches might say that I am stifling my impulses and how is that helping me in growing. It isn't that I am stifling them, because stifling to me means ignoring and not recognizing it exists. I know it exists trust me. The difference is I recognize it exists and I let it run through me but I find what is causing it. Most of the time it is the thing between my legs that causes the sexual urges and not my heart, in my journey I have found that it is less truthful then if a sexual urge came from the heart. With this observations I have been able to grow deeper in relationships I have now and not be to terrified to start new ones and has made me emotionally present in life because instead of wondering when I am gonna get off I am just living. Right now people could be thinking I made a bad choice or I am just making life hard on myself but to that I answer with a smirk. I believe I made the best decision of my life because I look at my best friend now and not only do I feel the same love for her as I had in the past but when I am with her I am with her not off in my la la land or my head or even in my pants. I am with her and her smile and her heart. Now how did closing off sex from my life make my relationships deeper and stronger. It has to do with being with them here and now. It has made me realize what is super important in my life and what I truly care about not just what I put on a front for. My friend for example is the, THE, most important person in my life and I love her more then anyone or anything. I never had this feeling inside before because it was previously all about how sexual could I make jokes or what sex stories could I get from her or what can I do to make life ranchy right now. Life right now however is just about the living and about the love that I have in it. In all I don't know if any of this made sense to you, readers, but having no sex...has made a happy man. A very happy man. A man I am proud to look in the mirror and say that is me.