Sitting in my room...thinking of you

To whom it may concern,
You make me feel alive. You make my soul have a purpose for living. When your breath flows in me new life starts. When I touch you I feel electricity pulsing through me. The thought of you in my head starts thousands of butterflies jumping and flying around with excitement. When I lay down with you every fiber in my being is attached to you. Your aroma suffocates me with sweet intoxication. Your warmth covers me like a perfect hoody. Your cold jolts me back to life. When near you I feel every inch of you. Everytime you move it makes my heart skip a beat. No you I can't marry you. No you aren't everywhere. No you aren't human. No you don't have a heart. But your soul, oh your soul is the strongest most powerful piece of life I have ever seen or played in. Thank you for being in my life. I love you.
Sincerely,
A passionate Actor

Long awaited....

To whom it may concern,
This will be short but the words are ones that I have fought to tell you for a long long time. You I love you. You I hate you. I can't believe after all this time the thought of you still gives me a visceral response in my body. I don't understand why but I am not ignoring it but I am trying to keep you comfortable. I hope you are well. I miss you.
Sincerely,
Will always love you

Sorry?

To whom it may concern,
   Today I got told about how I make you feel bad in class. I am sorry for making you feel like I would make fun of you. Apparently I have been overly sarcastic and making remarks like that but please just say something to me. I am not a scary person and I will listen to what you have to say. Please though listen to my side of this story. I don't see it I got told that this isn't me this isn't how I act normally and I don't understand that. I have always been a sarcastic ass and said things in that manner but I never mean to hurt with them. If you are a close friend why won't you just tell me you can just say something to me. If you are an acquaintance I am truly sorry we do not know each other well enough but know that all you have to do is say something. The thing that hurts the most I guess is the fact that you told someone that I trust with my whole being and this person agreed. This person said I was kinda making her annoyed but it seemed in her eyes I was hurting her as well in a way. I have been through a lot and maybe possible this is a way of distancing myself from you all, not just the parties mentioned. I don't like good byes and to be honest I don't know how to handle them.....well I refuse to handle them in an adult way. I think they are something in life that happens early, you aren't dying so why in the world should i say we will never see each other again. In the depths of my being that is the problem I just don't want to get close so I pretend to be invested which is sarcastic. In the long run you have kinda fucked with the perception of myself. I thought I was doing good, being me and acting well and not to judgmental and abrasive towards people. I will watch myself too carefully now but please look to yourself as well and ask what mood where you in when you said that. Stressed, tired, or worse. I am truly a good guy and don't mean anything harmful with what I say unless I intend it, and if you fall in that you will know. I guess all I will say is that I will try for myself to be more open about the fear I have with leaving this place and the relationships I have gained but if I am sarcastic, which I know I am,  but truly my life is based around love.
Sincerely,
A confused man

Toeing the line.

Dear to who it may concern,
Thank you. Thank you for teaching me how not to be a friend. Thank you for teaching how to stifle every real emotion I have in my body. Thank you for whining about everything. Thank you for your poetry that is so overbearing the world must hear it or  you will die. Thank you for being a bitch Thank you for lying to me. Thank you for your lack of interest. Thank you showing me what I never want to become. Thank you for having low self esteem. Thank you for faking the past 3 years. Thank you for faking this year. Thank you for being jealous. Thank you for trying to control me. Thank you for thinking you know me. Thank you for thinking we are friends. Thank you for trying so damn hard. Thank you for acting like a 2 year old when you are far older. Thank you for hating me so. Thank you for thinking that I haven't changed. Thank you for thinking I am something that disgusts even me. Thank you for ignoring me. Thank you for using me. Thank you looking at me like a  boy. Thank you for lying about love. Thank you for trying to not hurt my feelings. Thank you for putting yourself on that pedestal. Thank you for being a dumb ass. Thank you for the glances that read "You are stupid, eww." Thank you for holding in your emotions. Thank you for holding back your honesty. Thank you for holding in every impulse towards me. Thank you for "understanding." Thank you sir. Thank you madam. Thank you child. Thank you human. Thank you all.
Sincerely,
A Grateful man

Life with out sex

So this will mark about 3 months since I have done nothing sexual with a person and ruled it completely out of my life due to some very close friends giving me advice. I haven't really talked about this part of my life on here due to the nature of the topic and also I didn't and still don't want it a huge deal. I feel the bigger I make things the more frustrated I get and the further I grow apart from people. Just letting it be and letting myself live life with out questioning myself is what I have been accomplishing in my life. With this mindset I have just had wave after wave of realizations and growth not only in living but also in acting. Some actors or acting coaches might say that I am stifling my impulses and how is that helping me in growing. It isn't that I am stifling them, because stifling to me means ignoring and not recognizing it exists. I know it exists trust me. The difference is I recognize it exists and I let it run through me but I find what is causing it. Most of the time it is the thing between my legs that causes the sexual urges and not my heart, in my journey I have found that it is less truthful then if a sexual urge came from the heart. With this observations I have been able to grow deeper in relationships I have now and not be to terrified to start new ones and has made me emotionally present in life because instead of wondering when I am gonna get off I am just living. Right now people could be thinking I made a bad choice or I am just making life hard on myself but to that I answer with a smirk. I believe I made the best decision of my life because I look at my best friend now and not only do I feel the same love for her as I had in the past but when I am with her I am with her not off in my la la land or my head or even in my pants. I am with her and her smile and her heart. Now how did closing off sex from my life make my relationships deeper and stronger. It has to do with being with them here and now. It has made me realize what is super important in my life and what I truly care about not just what I put on a front for. My friend for example is the, THE, most important person in my life and I love her more then anyone or anything. I never had this feeling inside before because it was previously all about how sexual could I make jokes or what sex stories could I get from her or what can I do to make life ranchy right now. Life right now however is just about the living and about the love that I have in it. In all I don't know if any of this made sense to you, readers, but having no sex...has made a happy man. A very happy man. A man I am proud to look in the mirror and say that is me.

Together.

So I am in college and I have a plan. I graduate and I move to New York and I become rich and famous. Yea I understand that isn't what it will probably but the moving and the graduating are what the plan is right now. I look back at my life right now and am so proud of the man that I become, the trials I have gone through and how I have come up on top. But at what cost, I ran in to this kid this year, he is 18, and he has this energy and this zeal for life that I truly forgot about the life that I wanted when I was his age.He comes in adn he hass the same dreams that I had and he feels the same depth of emotion that I feel. He's has been told most of his life that he is so emotional like I have always been told and it seems that this kid has come into my life in the form of the result of all the other choices I should have made in life. Not saying he is better and not saying I regret the things that I did. I just don't understand how this other side coin could still be dealing with the same exact shit that I have dealt with in my past. It makes life seem so small and so hopeless not to the point of death but to the point where I feel so alone and it makes me want to have someone constantly tell me the world the anyone that we are together. Romantically, friendship-ally, family, neighborly, mentally, studenly, co-workely. I feel that all the relationships that I have had are just trying to fill this constant need to have people in my life because I just too damn scared to be alone and to not belong to something. Today was just overwhelming because i feel apart of something but I still have this void and can't right now make it specific enough to verbalize or write in words.

I want someone to hold me when I am alone. I want the person that I don't settle for the person I want and constantly become surprised. I want the person to be able to cut me down with honesty but also be able to stroke my ego a bit. I want those arms to be strong but I want them to be gentle. I want them to be used arms but soft. I want that person I can look at and just know that for the rest of my life it will be you and me. The whole fiber of me, my being, my love, my life, my art, my soul shakes with fear and excitement when you walk in the room.

Pictures of the past

I look at my photo albums and I just don't understand how this change so drastically. Recently, as in as I am writing, i have been looking through photos of my past. It kinda hurts to watch them pass by knowing that that is what they are memories passed by. I will never get them back but I know that I have had them. Truly it hurts cause there is a friend of mine that I truly do care about and I know that I will never get the relationship back that we once had. Or the one I thought we had judging by his reactions to who I am now. I t just hurts knowing that something was very sacred and something was very pure but one choice one decision makes it all go down the tube. It is kinda like acting. When you are a character it is all about choices and what you make and is it the strongest choice. How does one know they are making the "strongest choice" in life until it is out of them and chosen. It is interesting to me the more I delve into the life of being an actor the more my everyday life seems to be filled with reminders of things I have learned. The thing to do is look at them as opportunities not as acting and life are identical. In my head now however is the slideshow of pictures of my friend and me wanting it to be back how it was and not how it is. I need to breathe that in and realize that it is the present right now and not the past. Deal with how it is now and the actions and reactions that are placed in front of me now. This life is something I want to experience finally and not just sit back and be passive about it.